Am I Destined to Fail?

Since my last blog update, my life has been a total mess lately. Aside from my grandma passing away, dealing with personal matters (that I won’t disclose until later), and still without a new job, it has made myself think that I am a failure. It isn’t actually the first time where I have failed, but it has occurred numerous times where it takes up a majority of my life. As I look back on my life so far, I can only count a few times where I have succeeded, but they only turn out to be distant memories. The times that I have failed stand out to me more making me question: am I destined to fail? I know this isn’t the usual post I write about, but this thought has been on my mind for the last few weeks that I need to address it like an urgent matter.

Throughout my entire life, I have run into a lot of challenges unexpectedly. I always thought that in order to have a good life, you have to succeed at everything and that it will be easy. It turns out I was completely wrong where I would come up short at these challenges, and I wasn’t very happy about it no matter how much I tried. My first instance at these failures was during my school days. I was never the student who would get straight As and high scores on exams. I would always struggle with grasping the many different concepts I learned, and I felt like I was falling behind. By the end of my academic career, I did not graduate with honors or take any of the advanced classes that would’ve made me stand out. My mom was especially not happy with and said I was nothing but an ordinary student. In college, I tried to redeem myself by being more focused on my studies, but sadly I was nothing but a mediocre student.

Then there was the other aspect of my life where I failed at the socialization part. I could never stick with the same group of friends throughout my high school years. I tried to warm up to them, but they would end up making their own cliques where I would be excluded. Face it, I am an introvert so of course it would be hard for me to socialize with people. However, being introverted wasn’t all to blame for my lack of friends. I would be a victim of bullying where I would sometimes be blamed on, and the bullies would get away with it. Luckily, I would resolve that by blocking them on social media once I got an account after I graduated high school. Even in college, I would still get along with people time to time, but I never found my own friend group. I couldn’t even stick with the same roommates for all four years, and I would sometimes clash with people I didn’t like. Overall, I never became “the most popular person” at either my high school or college, and I seemed to have disappeared since I barely keep in touch with anyone.

Now I am in my current stage of adulthood where I have been a complete failure so far. After graduating from college, I had no idea of what I wanted to do and I had no job lined up. Eventually I got my first post-college grad job, but that turned out to be a disaster where I ended up getting fired. For an entire year, I wasn’t able to find a new job despite applying so many times. However, I tried to keep myself busy by creating this entire blog and soon enough I found another job. Unfortunately, it was only a temporary job lasting only a few months. No worries though, I found another job in a few months and thought I was finally going to have a permanent one. Just when I thought I had finally found success, I was wrong again as things would soon go downhill. I had to make the difficult decision to quit my last job due to personal reasons. I tried to find a job while I was still employed, but I wasn’t lucky. Now, here I am without a job once again trying to find a new one. I have submitted several applications, had a few interviews but no offer. As if things couldn’t get worse, my grandmother passed away and I had to deal with a few personal matters. I don’t know how much longer I am going to be without a job, but I am still searching and filling out applications.

As I keep getting hit with these setbacks, I really did start to think that I am a failure. I ask myself questions like, “why does this keep happening to me,” “will things ever get better for me,” and “why am I falling behind like everyone else?” I also have to consider the fact that I am not much of an independent adult as I still live with my parents. I really thought that my troubles were behind me, but they just keep coming. Maybe the universe wants me to “fail” in order to get what I most desire, so it puts me on the path that will take me the longest to succeed. Or maybe I am just cursed with bad luck for my entire life which is why I can’t succeed so easily. It would be crazy to think that I was created for this world just to fail at almost everything. In fact, I feel like I would be a real-life Charlie Brown where things never turn out right for me. But what if in order for me to have success in life, failure is nothing but a requirement? It is something that has to happen in my timeline in order for my ideal life to play out properly. I don’t have to make my timeline look like everyone else’s as long as I keep going and never look back. Sure, I may feel like an anomaly, but that gives me the choice to create my own life.

  I ask myself again: am I destined to fail? The answer is both yes and no. To some it may be surprising, or it may have been obvious to you. I am destined to fail because most of the time there are many things in life that I can’t control making me fail easily. I never expected any challenges or the skills I may or may not acquire. Already my life is not like anyone else’s therefore my mind is making me think I have failed. The truth is there is nothing or no one that tells us exactly how we should live our life. It doesn’t matter if I struggle, fall behind, or do something completely different. Besides there is no such thing as perfection which makes every living person human. Therefore, I think it is okay for me to fail because it has to happen in order to progress in life. Maybe the universe works in ways so that there is something greater for me in store, but I have to work for it in order to happen. Even if I have many challenges and fail at a lot of them. Having these failures are almost like “canon events” (Spider-verse reference) to me, and there is no way I can’t prevent them or change them from happening at the moment. In order to get what I most desire, I have to walk down my own witches’ road (Agatha All Along reference) and go through the many trials of my life. Most of them may be challenging, but it will be worth it once I succeed. My life may not have been the best and doesn’t match like everyone else’s but I am going to keep pushing forward. I will keep applying for jobs, I will keep writing blog posts, and I will keep on challenging myself. After all, no one is going to “prune” my own timeline (Loki reference).