My Experience with Anxiety

I got to admit it, but I have gone through this a lot of times, especially during the pandemic. In fact, everyone has experienced this more than once in their life. Even according to the World Health Organization, around 264 million adults around the globe have this, and is the most common mental disorder in the US. If you didn’t already read the title for this blog post, I am talking about anxiety. To me, anxiety is still considered “an elephant in the room” situation for any kind of scenario whether it is at work, school, anywhere. I feel like it is time to end the stigma, and spread awareness about it. If you have experienced anxiety at least once in your life, you are not worthless, and it shouldn’t define who you are. Even I have experienced anxiety a lot of times, and I will tell you all about it. Maybe you will relate to some of these scenarios, and find out that you are not alone.

Whenever I have anxiety, I experience symptoms of excessive worry, tenseness, and feelings of danger and panic. Some people also experience rapid heart rate, hyperventilation, and even severe symptoms like digestive issues. I never had any of those symptoms (yet), but that still doesn’t rule out the fact that I experience anxiety. I do know there are many types of anxiety disorders like generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety. However, I have not been diagnosed with any disorders so far. I even did an anxiety test during a counseling session when I was still in college, but it turned out I didn’t have a general anxiety disorder. Then again, my counselor said to me that even though I don’t have an anxiety disorder, it doesn’t mean I still experience anxiety. I don’t really know how to describe my anxiety (other than the symptoms I already stated); I just know I am having it when it happens. It is almost like my real-world version of the Spidey-sense.

One of the many times I experienced anxiety was obviously at school. During high school, I would have a bit of anxiety because I would have so much pressure of doing well in my classes. That didn’t happen quite happen as I got mediocre grades in most of my classes, and I would fear interacting with my mom because she would get pissed whenever she saw my grades. I think what drove my anxiety in high school was having so much stress from having a lot of homework and juggling extracurricular activities on top of it. Unfortunately, my high school did nothing to support the mental health of not only me, but many other students who had the same issues. I experienced even more anxiety during college with the same pressure of doing well. I especially felt anxious when I took exams in my classes because a lot of them made a big part of my overall grade. There were many times when I felt the pressure of sitting in class and taking the exam while the clock was ticking away. Plus, I got really stressed when I didn’t know the answers to some of the questions, so I had to think of something really quick. Luckily, I didn’t have the pressure of interacting with my parents because I went to an out-of-state college. Besides, grades don’t matter much in college as long as you passed the class, and graduated with a diploma in your hand. One of the biggest anxieties I experienced in college, however, was group projects. I know I said earlier that I didn’t have social anxiety, but I find it hard working with people sometimes. In college, group projects can either make or break your grade. It all depends on the type of people you work with. Either you end up doing all the work, or someone else does all the work and takes credit. Or, you just don’t get along with your group members. Fortunately, I got along with my group members in all of my group projects and still managed to do pretty well. I think the reason why I get this anxiety from group projects was because of a past memory I had all the way back in middle school. I worked with this student in two of my classes for very different group projects, and they were straight-up annoying. Therefore, I didn’t get along with them when working together on the projects, and it wasn’t a great time. Even the teachers blamed me even though the other person was acting up. That is why group projects will always be the bane of my existence, especially during college.

Another situation where I experienced a lot of anxiety is when I go to the airport, specifically the one in my home state. I had to go to the airport many times when I was in college, and it was very stressful whenever I departed from my home airport. Every time I arrive, the TSA line is so long that it goes out the door. I have to stand in that line along with millions of other travelers hoping I don’t miss my flight because I was in a long TSA line. This is why they say to arrive to the airport at least a couple hours early, and it is also good to get TSA precheck (which I don’t have). It doesn’t make it any better when the TSA agents are yelling at you while you are putting your belongings on the conveyor belt for inspection. After that, I have to walk a long distance to my gate because my airport has a poor layout of the terminals. This is why our airport is one of the worsts in the entire country that I get major anxiety every time I go there. I even remember the day I had to leave to go back to college, I felt like I wanted to throw up because of how much anxiety I felt going to the airport. I am so glad I don’t go to my airport during the busiest times of the year such as the holiday and summer season because it is so much worse.

My past job experiences are where I most recently experienced anxiety. I have worked in customer service for some of these, and boy, I can’t tell you how stressful that is especially if you never worked in that type of job before. Whenever a customer gets angry and rude at me, that is where my anxiety levels rise because I am thinking I screwed up in my job, but it was really the customer that was acting up. Plus, I am also a perfectionist in my career because I am striving to do my best, but not every day is like that. I also get anxiety whenever I had to face my managers because they are the ones in charge of everything. If we don’t do anything they asked us to do, they get pissed at us. I remember when I worked at my banking job, the manager got upset that I couldn’t do a certain transaction, and that was when they threatened me (you remember that story right?). I had so much anxiety from that interaction that I could feel my legs shaking, and was filled with fear thinking I was going to lose my job. Then again, that is not how managers/leaders are supposed to act. They are supposed to help you and support you along your career path, and that was not a good example of a leader which was why that job was a toxic work environment. It is another reason why I try to look for a job that will have a supportive work environment, and won’t give me anxiety. When I don’t have anxiety, that is when I doing my best work performance.

That is my experience with anxiety in a bunch of situations. As you can see, I have gone through a lot of it, and it doesn’t look healthy. I think the reason why I experience anxiety is that I strive for perfection whether it is at work, school, or any point in my life. Then, something unexpected happens and that is when the anxiety kicks in where I go into a flight or fight mode. I also start to overthink a lot of situations coming up with worst case scenarios. Even after the “incidents” are over, I still overthink about worst-case scenarios that could’ve happen, but didn’t. However, I managed to go through school and work no matter how things turned out. If my anxiety had gotten the best of me, I wouldn’t be here writing this blog post. In fact, I never publicly talked about my anxiety until now, and I kind of feel a lot better. Again, if you have been in similar situations like I have, you are not alone. It doesn’t make you any less of a person, and I am proud of you for making it this far. That is the reason why I created this blog: to not only share my experiences, but to reach out to people who have been/are going through similar situations. To be honest, I have gotten many views for my blog posts, but I haven’t gotten one single comment on any of them, yet. However someday, there will be someone who will read either this post and many of my other posts, and they will leave a comment thanking me for being vulnerable and sharing my experiences, even if they weren’t the best.

For information on mental health resources near you, please visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or NAMI at NAMI.org

If you or someone is experiencing a mental health crisis, please call or text the National Suicide Lifeline at 988.